A Sad yet Calming Dream.

Last night was one of those nights where I really missed my little brother. I was on the edge of the cliff, emotionally, and I just fell asleep silently crying and wishing he was still alive.

Usually when I fall asleep crying he would appear in my dreams, but for this dream he did not.

It was a different setting and it was about my aunt who had passed away from cancer.

Here's what I remember from my dream.

I was with my current significant other and I saw a newspaper ad that said that my aunt's house was being sold. I was shocked that her house was being sold, so I told my boyfriend that we need to go over there right away before it's sold. He agreed with me and we left.

By the time we got to my Aunt's house it was already sold and they had some remodeling work done with it, plus there was a wedding going on there.

I had trouble gathering up the courage to walk up to her house, all the memories I had there from growing up came in a huge wave. Those memories were followed by an overwhelming urge to cry, but I didn't. I took a deep breath and walked in the house and immediately noticed the changes that were made, again I fought back the tears. Not too far away from me I heard familiar voices and I walked over to them. In the kitchen were wedding presents sitting on the table, floor and some chairs. I heard some laughter coming from behind the gifts, I walked around and saw my aunts chattering and laughing.

They saw me and greeted me. Each one shook my hand and said that they were glad to see me. I in turn said I was glad to see them as well. I parted from them and started looking around, as I did I started to tell boyfriend how the house originally looked like.

I pointed to the entrance to the kitchen and said, "It wasn't as open like it is now. It was just a door way from the living room to to the kitchen." I turned and looked in the opposite direction, "There was this nice mural of a horse. And in the living room hung pictures of the family, one was of her entire family, with her husband." There at the last sentence my voice began to crack, I started to see more changes that were made, but we continued.

I turned into a hallway and saw that there was a huge bathroom, I stopped and looked around and noticed that there was 2 more bathrooms, one to my right and to my left. I walked to each bathroom and looked closely at each tile. I looked to my boyfriend and said," I don't remember being this many bathrooms and this pattern of tiles. The tiles were different."

We walked to the middle bathroom (each bathroom was designed as a handicap restroom: hand rails along the wall, the bathtub was turned into a shower for easier access and there was plenty of room to turn around and move in). I peeked inside and said," I would be told to clean this bathroom, I didn't like to because it wasn't as quick as a regular bathroom."

My boyfriend replied, "I did too. I didn't really like cleaning these type of bathrooms." We both nodded. (But please note, outside of the dream, when she was alive she didn't make me clean the bathrooms. I think it's a feeling from doing housekeeping for so long.)

"The bathrooms are like this because she had cancer and it was hard for her to walk." I had to take a deep breath, "She didn't really tell us how bad it was, but my sister/cousin told us that it started in her leg and worked it's way up into her lungs. That was why her leg was hurting all the time, but she never told us, She always smiled and laughed and made sure we were taken care of. She died of cancer."

We entered a hallway next, and this is where I lost it, the tears fell slowly then freely. As we walked down the hallways there were a few doors on both sides of us and one at the end. The memories came back like phantoms in the hallway, I could hear our laughter from our childhood echo up and down and circle us.

My soul rattled as I opened each door and saw that they were made different. I spun to my boyfriend, with tears pouring down, "The rooms are so different, not like how I remember them." We walked to the end of the hallway "The room on your left was one of my sister's/cousin's room, the room on the right was the other sister's/cousin's room, the room in the middle." I paused and continued, ," That was my brother's/cousin's room, I remember because we use to make tents and play with his Ninja Turtle toys." I turned around and pointed to another room ," that room was my other Sister's/cousins. She would let me play in her room. And I remember there were kittens in her room." I fell silent, as I stared down the hallway.

"There were extra rooms that were just for storage." I paused again. " I miss her so much."

I cried as I stood in the hallway, wishing I could hug her once more.

I looked up at my boyfriend and told him we should get back to my aunts.

My aunts were waiting for us and they all stood together, They're eyes were watery and they stepped forward, "We heard you talk about how the house used to be and how she passed." One aunt in particular stepped forward and drew me in a hug and kissed my cheek and said," We all miss her." We all gave each other hugs.

After the hugs and kisses mingled with tears, we each took a couple of the gifts and headed to the wedding.

That is where the dream ended. I didn't get to see the wedding and who the couple was.

I had another dream after this one, but after waking up from both dreams I felt better. I have to admit that this blog was a hard one to write, because it's so close to me. I told this dream to my boyfriend and I still cried. My aunt, this aunt, I didn't see her as such, she was my mom in every way possible. Her kids, my cousins, they were more of a brother and sister than just cousins.

I always felt safe with them. I always felt at home with them.

I am always grateful for that.

So with that, until the next post. Stay positive, stay creative.